Last week's boy/girl dance drama has been, I'm happy to say, slightly reduced in the Briton stress department. As it turns out, he doesn't have to ask a girl to the dance, he has to ask girls to dance at the dance. Which is still unnerving in his book, but less so. For me... I'm still a little wobbly about the whole thing.
He is ten. Ten is the age that I was when I moved away from Idaho, where I had spent all of the years that I could remember of my childhood up to that point (it was really only 6 out of ten, but before 4 my memories are pretty hazy). Ten is the age that, in my mind, I stopped being a kid and started being..something else. They didn't say tween then, but that's about right. After we moved I kept my dollhouse hidden in my closet and started taping posters of Christian Slater to my wall. It's when I started worrying about boys and my hair and thought I would absolutely DIE if I did not get a Dooney and Bourke purse (I didn't. Get one or die).
Now to be fair, I was almost eleven when this all started, not just barely ten. So (I keep telling myself) we are not quite there. And he's a boy, boys mature at a slower rate, or so I'm told. But the truth is that this whole dance incident has brought out some of the fears and worries I've been fumbling around with for the past few months. How fast should he grow up? How fast do we want him to grow up?
My son, much like I was, is, well, some people would say immature, some would say innocent. Both, really. He still believes in magic, and Santa. And he still totes around a stuffed animal at bedtime. He likes to pretend and play with his sister and have stories read to him. And I love that. I LOVE that. I want him to stay like that. I want that innocence. He doesn't need to think about girls and haircuts and clothes and what is "cool". Not until he's ready for it.
But.
The thing is, he isn't growing up in a bubble. There are other kids around. Other kids who are more..mature? I guess. Other kids with older siblings or cooler parents or more hormones or, I'm not sure, but they aren't still checking to see if the fairies have moved their furniture around down in the woods. They are thinking about boys or girls and hair and cool. Not just here, everywhere. It's the tipping point, fifth and sixth, kid and teen. And I remember what it was like to be that kid who was a little behind on those things. It's not easy.
So at what point to we, his parents, say "It's time to stop that." Or do we? Do we try to ease him into the ways of "cool" so that he has a softer entry into teenage-hood? Do we let him do his own thing, anticipating the pangs and the embarrassment and the just plain hardness of growing up? I know he'll encounter them anyway, but whether or not it's our job to help make it easier by explaining how things "are" or whether we just encourage him to be himself, I don't really know. I always thought I'd be the parent that goes encourages independence and self expression. I want to be that parent. But I also don't want him to fell...excluded. At least any more than he has to.
It's all new, these worries over his tweens, his teens. I feel like I'm just barely getting used to having elementary school aged kids as opposed to little kids- sometimes I still catch myself finding toddler activities and thinking "I should try that!" for a moment before I remember that my kids are way beyond that. My head can't quite keep up, or maybe it's my heart.
Oh, my. Yes indeed. My almost-sixteen year old still loves Pokemon. Fortunately, so do several of her friends. Lindsay has been very lucky in that regard, but maybe it's just that she found kids who were as odd and quirky and innocent (for the most part) as she is.
ReplyDeleteOne day early in her Freshman year, she said something to me about how she liked to dress like she did and do things the way she does and she was totally aware of the "cool girls" but really just didn't give a rip. Not that she has a hide like a rhinoceros, far from it. She is still very quick to tears, COMPLETELY unable to lie or deceive, and likes to please people. Mostly.
I am not saying we don't worry about her still, but I remember having the very same concerns as you are when she was that age. And girls DO "mature" sooner, so even by third grade or so I wondered if she felt ostracized. Mostly she was just clueless about the things other kids did. She went her own way. She and a friend (a boy) had a game on the playground in which they "adopted" pebbles of different colors from the gravel under the play equipment. They were kittens of some sort, I think, and they had an elaborate system of identifying and naming their breeds and mixed-breeds, their characteristics and habits...it was amazing. They had their little bubble of play while all the other kids roamed and shrieked and flung themselves all over.
There were tough times, when her best friend would jerk her around, saying she had done something (she hadn't) and be "mad at you". Lindsay would come home in tears. I'd feel like throttling Erin. But they are still best friends, and share Pokemon stuff.
I think you have to look at "maturity" in a different way. Is he kind? Is he tolerant? Is he capable of coping with the world (like could he get home or figure out how to handle if he missed the bus)? Lindsay has been called "socially immature" but I really HATE that label. She has always understood the world differently than others. When it comes to practical skills, she has needed some boosting.
In eighth grade, we finally had her "staffed" for some speech and skills issues. That has been one of the best things we've ever done, but it was a difficult thing to do. It came down to asking Lindsay if she was happy with how she interacts with her peers, and when it came to her friends, it was no problem, but when she had to try to do things in a group (oh, I could go into THAT issue at length) she couldn't make her voice be heard, she was intimidated and frustrated. She had a hard time advocating for herself with non-friend peers and with many teachers. With coaching the last two years, she's gained a lot of confidence and tools to deal with that. But she is still proudly odd.
I have tried to always tell Lindsay to OWN whoever you are. If you like Pokemon, wear the shirt! I'll say high school has been a lot better, in terms of acceptance. Sorry! I know middle school looms for you...
Just use your best instincts, and let him know you think he is great the way he is.
By the way, Lindsay finally told us (she was 12) that she didn't, um...really, ummmm....kind of believe in Santa any more....but we could go ahead and do all the Santa things!
What you wrote was really interesting to me - it made me think a different way, which is surprising at my age. :)
ReplyDeleteI've always liked the idea of "hot house" kids - i.e., keep them away from detrimental influences until they're ready to handle them without caving in to peer pressure. (Am I old, or is 10 a little young for a boy/girl dance?!) And in my (very humble) opinion, "coolness" is detrimental - it doesn't take much imagination to think of all the foolish/destructive/harmful things kids do in the name of cool to prove that point. I was cringing at the thought of all the beautiful things Briton might have to sacrifice in himself to be cool.
However, if you have a kid in public schools, where they're going to encounter cool on a daily basis, you might be right, that a parent would be loving a child if she helped him navigate that terrain more easily.
Here's a thought: if a kid can be considered by his peers to be cool because he's smart, confident, and kind, then by all means, help ease him into coolness. But if the only means to being cool lie in an unhealthy concern for what others think and a willingness to change to please them, then I would concentrate on building up Briton's character and confidence and teach him to not be concerned what others think....after all, this will serve him well as an adult also.
Perhaps the best thing to do is proceed with caution - if you wait to see how things go over the next few years before deciding to help him with this transition, you'll know better whether he actually needs that help. Once you help him shed his innocence/naivete, he can't go back. I would enjoy it as long as it exists, as long as it's not harming him in any way. He has the rest of his life to be mature, and so little time to enjoy the magic of childhood. Help him find like-minded friends!
Sometimes having a interest focus point will help for awhile, like a book series to read through, (I went through "the three investigators" series and "sherlock holmes")or music or painting...sports are a type of theater. The "cool" kids eventually get into big trouble if they're not corrected from time to time.
ReplyDeleteI think my inner debate comes from the fact that while, really, I don't want him to be the "cool" kid and all that it can lead to (cruelness to others being the worst to me, but also some of the other problems of trying to stay cool), I also remember how hard it is to not be. Middle school is just so painful in so many ways. I don't want him to hurt, even though I know he will.
ReplyDeleteBut you're right, he may be "socially immature" in some ways (I dislike that label as well) but he is very VERY mature in other ways. He could have found his way home (in the city) when he was two. And he's a good kid. He loves and cares and is honest (most of the time, of course).
The idea that once his "innocence" is gone, it's gone, is good to keep in mind. This parenting thing, it's hard! Whew!
I have always found it really enlightening to talk to Lindsay about some of this stuff. Like what does she think about being "cool" and does she even notice? We have great talks in the car.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a good time for you to start to retreat from proactive to reactive, at least for some things. There's still stuff you have to try to anticipate, but really, just ask him to talk about whatever. Not the heavy stuff, but like ask him if there's a cool kid he likes, and why he likes him/her.
He's very, very smart and has a sure sense of self. I don't think you need to worry too much, though he'll have his ration of crap in middle school.
When Lindsay had a boy who bullied her, I just kept asking her about him, and when it seemed like she was just not going to be able to get him to stop by herself (she has a STRONG aversion to physical violence, unlike her mother who got into a fist fight in second grade) I emailed the teacher, and told her what Lindsay had said. The boy was thoroughly disciplined. Immediately. But I had let it go until I asked her if she wanted me to step in. She finally did.
I think it's important to start to just gently ask him about HIS take on the world. Not if he thinks something is cool or not, but what his values are. Would he be perfectly content to be kind to a really mean kid? Would it be hard, but he'd do it because he knows he should? Would he just avoid the kid?
Greg is not happy with Lindsay's interest in things that are "too young" but I think it's always been her escape hatch.
I also agree with the Anonymous commenter, and would add that if you find something he really loves, that ties in with his personality, and involves other kids, sign him up! Theater, art lessons, whatever...
Gillian, my daughter is younger than your son--she has just started Kindergarten--but many of the thoughts you express here have been on my mind as well, wondering if/how she'll fit in to this very new and different situation.
ReplyDeleteI remember how hard middle school was for me, too, so I understand your desire to shield him from some of those struggles. But I wonder, when he is an adult, is he more likely to look back and be grateful that you eased him into the ways of "cool"? Or more likely to be grateful that you supported him in being his authentic self? I don't think the two are mutually exclusive, but I think your commenter Amy above is on to something with respect to being reactive rather than proactive about these things. I'm going to try to adopt that approach myself. Easier said than done, I am sure....
One more thing...I hope you're still reading, Gillian!
ReplyDeleteAnd Sarah, I am Gillian's auntie, so I get away with giving her sage words of advice...
Here's my thing--when Duke Ellington was young, he was "odd" in that he was wealthy, not very dark (as African Americans went) and he had serious musical talent. His mother (he says) always treated him as if he were the most wonderful person in the world, the most amazingly talented child. He was not "spoiled" in the sense that she told him he was BETTER than others or that he should not be kind and thoughtful and polite, but simply that he was very special, very talented and she just loved everything about him. He says he gained confidence and self-assurance from that. Take from that what you will...
Beautiful. Thank you.
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