May 18, 2010
I almost called this Truffle Shuffle, just for kicks, but then I thought if your not a Goonies Kid, that might fly right past you. :)
So my house is in Chaos. No, really. I'm not talking about post weekend, rainy day with the kids inside chaos. This place is - piles of stuff in every room waiting to be sorted, unfolded laundry in heaps (not at all helped by the still broken washing machine) nothing is where is should be- messy. There's a good reason for all of this of course, but that doesn't make it easier that my house looks like a tornado ripped through it.
That's the bad news. The good news is that the reason for all this upheaval is that Will and I have been making some big decisions around here, the biggest of which is that he is leaving his job to venture off on his own. Well, on his own with another guy, and also on his own with me for some smaller projects.
Will having his own design firm has been a forgone conclusion since the day he stepped off the plane from Texas to visit me in Oregon almost 14 years ago. Actually, if I'd payed more attention to what he was saying back when we first met years before that, instead of batting my little 13 year old eyes at the cute boy with the questionable hair cut (head shaved except for his bangs..hummm...) I probably would have known even earlier. He's always been a man on a mission. So it's always been in the cards, it's just been a question of when. And I guess when is now.
The funny thing about it is that rather than being worried about the normal stuff, like income and health insurance or the sheer fact that we will all be home all the time this summer, the thing that has been preying on my mind is that, in order for this whole thing to work, Will and I both need a space to work in. And while the mudroom has been my "office" for the past couple of months, it wasn't really big enough for the both of us. Which left the playroom. Not my favorite idea.
I don't know what my problem is but somehow the idea of the kids not having a playroom has really been bugging me. It seems like I've spent half of my adult life trying to convince other people that kids don't need a lot of room, that some of our happiest days was in our teeny little Dublin flat. But I'm still having a hard time getting over the loss of the playroom. The kids, funnily enough, are totally thrilled to have all their toys in their room. It's like a little wonderland up there. And probably once we get done turning the totally useless closet into a playhouse, I'll feel better about the whole thing.
I think part of it stems from the knowledge that it's time to let go of the way we've been doing things. For the past eight years I've been the mom. I've known the doctors phone number and the hours they are open, how much Tylenol to give, who has art lessons when, who needs to be signed up for swimming. I've planned the meals and the groceries and done the dishes and the laundry and the sick kids and the back to school shopping. And I loved it. All of it. Yeah, I've been tired and I've had bad days. But by and large, I've loved being a full time mom. It's not that Will doesn't know how to do all that stuff, it's just that that has been my job, the thing I do, for a long time now.
It wasn't that long ago that just thinking about working again brought on little bouts of panic attack. But as Evelyn's first year of preschool creeps closer, I've been sort of amazed to find that I'm looking forward to working again. Working from home this time, yes, and in a totally different field, but working none the less. It still seems odd to take calls and have meetings to go to, deadlines to meet. But not bad odd.
Part of the deal with Will's new gig is that I'll work some, he'll work some, and we'll both parent a lot. He's missed out on a lot of the day to day stuff, just because he's at work, and I'm not. So I think he's looking forward to being the one who does that stuff too. And I have to let him do that. I also have to let go of the playroom thing.
I'm sure once it's all in order I'll love having a nice big office without crumbling carpet on the floor or coats and boots to trip over every time I get out of my chair. And, truth be told, I've never really liked the color of the playroom, we kind of choose it in a hurry, so giving it a new coat of paint hasn't been all that bad either. I'm just not particularly patient when it comes to transitions. When I was pregnant I wanted it to be over in a snap. Once I was ready to be a parent, I wanted to get started NOW. During our multitude of moves I've never been very good at taking it slowly when it comes to unpacking. I want it done, the new life started, AT ONCE. And I can't even tell you how much I wanted to pour our counter tops in place even though I KNEW it wouldn't turn out the way we wanted just because it would be ready a little bit faster. So these piles of papers to be filed, toys to be moved, desks to be installed and supplies to be organized are making things, like the whole playroom issue, seem like a bigger deal than they really are.
I guess there's not much to do except continue the shuffle. Move to toys, put in the office, carve out a little niche in the world that's ours along. Let's just hope we don't have another series of snow storms with no roomy playroom this winter. That might get a little harry.